"He can't handle commitment."
"I'm not ready to commit."
"She's commitment-phobic."

Ever heard any of these?

Think about this for a moment... Perhaps there's not a problem with the person. Perhaps there's a problem with the word...

Have you ever said to yourself, "I am so depressed."? 
This statement literally says you equals depressed. They are one and the same. It's as if your identity is the depression. It would be much more accurate to say "I feel so depressed."  It would be even more accurate to say, "I feel what I am labeling depression." 

The word "depression" has a tremendous amount of baggage to it, from social taboo, to a clinical state of incapacitation.  And yet we use it so liberally! 

A friend of mine once heard me say I was depressed and asked me to consider a different word. He said, "Try saying, 'I'm in a dark night right now.'"  I said it and immediately my view shifted as I could see the state as temporary (since night always passes into day) and I could find the art and poetry of being in the shadows, where perhaps I could find something hidden and interesting about myself.  It was a total turnaround.

So back to the idea of commitment...

What if we replaced that word with devotion?

I was struck by this word when my girlfriend told me how she thought Thievery Corporations' Radio Retaliation is a very devotional album. I thought, Wow - it's such a beautiful word.  So I looked it up. Here's the definition:

Devotion

The divine insanity of noble minds,

that never falters nor abates,

but labors, endures, and waits,

till all that it foresees it finds,

or what it cannot find, creates.

-Longfellow.

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.

To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.

To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

-Christian D. Larson, 1912

I was stuck at SFO for a four hour window when I found this magazine.

The cover article blew me away because it's an easy concise sum-up of several of the techniques we used at the Deida event.  Rather than simple psychology on intellectual ideas, it's filled with actual techniques that create love on a physiological level.  Great for generating it, or for keeping it. 

It's on magazine stands now, or download it here.

I was touched by Keith Ferrazi's Facebook post about his trip to Guatemala:

The staple of their diet is a tortilla with a little salt to give it taste. one woman shred a story of christmas this year where she told her kids that tonight they would eat tortillas but because they had none she pretended and boiled rocks and sat next ...to... the fire all night until the kids gave out from exhaustion and went to sleep. She at least wanted the kids to go to sleep thinking that they would have food.

Here is where you can give $10 to feed a family for two weeks.

Tonight is a great night to do it.  It's what I call the "sacrifice to the party gods."  Just before the weekend or a party starts, I like to give to a charity to remember that while I get to go out and have a good time, there are others who cannot even eat.

Does this sound familiar to you? You know someone who goes off to a weekend seminar, and they come back "a new person." They can't stop talking about it, and yet they don't make much sense except for their clear message that you have to do the same thing, and at worst, they'll think less of you if you don't.  And then several weeks later, they're back to their old selves, their old bad habits, and nothing really changed.

Well, that was not what happened to me. Quite the opposite (which is why I'm conveying all of this weeks after the event).

The first day I got back, I felt a sore throat come on all of the sudden.  By the next day I woke up and thought, "If I could simply feel completely awful, that would be a massive improvement."  I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with swine flu. That was a fun week, but it got worse...

I coughed so much for two weeks that I would wake up at all hours.  Codeine, Robitussin and a healthy shot of Nyquil couldn't stop the coughing.  It was painful and I couldn't sleep. I went on a 10-day course of antibiotics, and it was still there. I went through a Z-pack 5-day course of antibiotics as well.

Some could say I simply got sick, but my belief is that I was clearing out years worth of pain around my heart. Pain, memories and a loneliness I had not acknowledged.  One of the worst nights I was lying at home in my apartment, thinking dreadfully, "If I were to die this weekend, no one would even look for me till Wednesday."  Dramatic, of course, but what hit me over those two weeks as I watched awful reality shows and sat on my couch eating loads of comfort foods was just how alone I felt, and how ready I was for all that to change.

By Thanksgiving the cloud finally began to lift.  And that's when I realized why all of this happened, because there's a big part of this story I left out...

You see, by Thanksgiving, I knew the first woman I saw at the hotel before the Deida event would become the love of my life. 

But that's another story, for another time ;)

There are many causes to champion, but my favorites are the ones that clearly, without a doubt save lives.  Clean water....How can life truly be possible when your children are drinking from polluted swamps?

In January I dedicated my birthday to raising enough money to build a well that would provide 400 people safe drinking water.  All of the money goes to building the well because Charity Water's administration costs are covered by sponsorships.

It is not complete. And I have less than a month to fund this well.

But this is not about making me look good. 
This is about making YOU look good... literally.

In exchange for helping NOW... I'm offering a gift...

Some of you know that that I co-founded a fashion company called "The NOW Project" - a clothing and jewelry line dedicated to inspiring people to live in the moment, and make a difference immediately.  Together, my partners and I helped bring yoga to at-risk youth.

We had a line of jewelry and clothing designed by the wunderkind talent, Erica Rose Trumpower. Our flagship product was "The NOW Watch."  It was a reminder to be in the NOW.  I called it "The Reverse Time Machine" - rather than going to the future or the past, you go to the present... it's a watch that does not tell time.

But they never came to market...
It's a very long story, but even though we fought for two years for the trademark that our brand eventually received, we were sued by a brand that owned the word "now" on all watches.  While we had a 50% chance of winning, the cost and time involved would have killed us.

These are the remaining NOW pieces. And here are the reasons I think you'd like one:

• They are contraband.  You won't see find this on the free market
• They cost us over $1500 each (R/D, production costs, legal, etc)
• Designed with unique shapes to an eye-catching conversation starter
• Stainless steel, heavy quality design
• Makes a great gift for the holidays

So...
The first 9 people who donate at least $75 to fund this well, will get a NOW piece.

1.  Go here to donate $75 or more!
2.  Email me your receipt (Robert@Richman.LA)
3.  Tell me if you prefer a men's or women's piece

As I said, only nine remain, so I'll give them on first come, first serve basis.

Thank you for reading this far, and thank you for being a part of this!

(download)

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what
you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's
longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will
risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure
of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to
know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have
been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can
dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want
to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you
can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; If
you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every
day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still
stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full
moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you
have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and
despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want
to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not
shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I
want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls
away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like
the company you keep in the empty moments.

---------------------
The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I gathered with all the men for the morning exercise.  We started with a run around the ballroom, and there was something inexplicably cool about watching all of us run in silence, while completely relaxed and focused. Next we lined up face to face, adjusted each other's posture, then tried to break his concentration by sensing his weakness and throwing it back at him.  Finally, we locked arms like wrestlers, pushing against each other in full force, without losing eye contact.  Completely invigorating.

The instructors pointed out that as men, we love having something to push against, a challenge. And if we're fully engaged with it, we feel completely alive.  It's when we avoid it, numb out, walk away - that's when we die. It was great to have such a visceral reminder that the challenges I have in my life are for my own benefit (side note: I was watching VH1's "Celebrities Gone Good." Stories of philanthropic stars. It was so boring!  It made me realize that purely good news, or pure comfort, is not what we're built for. We're built for the challenge, the mission, the growth, the transformation).

The "Sex" Exercise (this is finally the promised "Sex without Touching" though honestly, I think the whole event could be summed up with that phrase).

We covered Love in part 5.  Now the exercise would be "polarity" - The charge between the masculine and feminine sexual energies. Again, I went with my paradox of choice principle and chose the first person I saw.  She was a psychic healer I had spoken with earlier.  These exercises feel much easier when you have never even spoken to the person.  That we had a previously established rapport suddenly made me feel embarrassed for what was to come.

We began again with breathing while staring into the other's eyes, a foot away. After awhile David asked the women to rate how present we were on a scale from 0 to 10 (5 being the presence of a good friend, 10 being the most present man they've ever encountered).  At the count of three he asked the women to say a number.  "8" she said (Yes!).  When it was my turn I just didn't feel her that closely.  Her eyes were there, but she wasn't with me. So I said, "4."  And I felt awful when I saw her face turn to shock and disappointment.  We then did a few exercises to tune up our presence.

What happened next...  Granted, we never even touched each other, but David then had us say the most provocative sexual statements one can pronounce, and then the other person would assess whether or not they believed the emotion was real. Here I was, less than a foot in front of a woman I wasn't even feeling attracted to, and yet saying the most intimate things one can say.   Again...intense. But all preparation for our real relationships, when we're in that place where romance is fading, but we still want to keep the spark. It became clear to me just how much choice we have about the love and sexuality we create.

The final feedback
Lining up against all the walls, shoulder to shoulder, the women stood in front of the men, and were asked, "what would you need this man to change so that you could be with him?"  My first partner was a cute, meek south pacific islander who looked transfixed as she said, "Whoa, you're really good at this. I'm intimidated." I tried to soften up to help her relax, and strangely enough, my once giggling persona was nowhere to be found. The next woman was super sensitive and began to tear up as she said, "You have such a big heart.  But I feel that you won't let yourself be angry with me, and I need to trust that you can."  I had to do the same for each of them, and it was amazing how this amplified all my senses. I could see the best in people.  I could feel love and attraction to women I would never even consider. And for the ones I could? It felt like I could marry them right there.

The Final Exercise: Dark Energy

I had a very interesting dinner with people who have been to several Deida events. Apparently this one was tame compared to the others.  Wow.  Back to the Inn for the final exercise...David warned us that this may get a little dark.

We did our usual line-ups. This time rather than picking the first person I saw, I picked the last one....  It wasn't intentional. Earlier I had several great conversations with a woman with a similar background to mine and after dinner we agreed to find each other for the final exercise.  I looked all over for her to no avail, and finally had to sit down like a game of musical chairs.

The lights turned dim, and we closed our eyes. We each reached out, one palm up and one down, and then took turns leading a back and forth hand motion, as if we were having a conversation, simply with our hands. We then took an emotion, like how I would want to be as a father and then expressed that, only through my hands. My memories get murky from here on out, so I may be terribly misquoting, but you'll get the idea...

We then took on stronger and stronger emotions.  David instructed the women to throw everything they had at the man, as if they were fighting him. The voices got louder as the women became more and more expressive.  But it was soft music compared to the next part... David asked the men to show the women that they're willing to kill anything that invades their home, and the animal roars from 150 men were deafening.  Finally we did both at the same time, and the intensity hit an 11.  It was like using up all your remaining energy on the final home stretch of a race.  

And then calm, then silence.

We turned around so as not to face our partner, and I never saw her again, let alone even remember what she looked like. David advised us that it's better this way - unless you have a lifelong partner. I believe him when he said these exercises are too powerful to do it any other way. I saw the woman I tried to find earlier and apparently I had looked right through her in my search, though she was quite thankful that we both went through it with someone we didn't know. 

There was a party that evening, sure to be filled with great conversations and undertones of God knows what. But I was half in a state of Zen and half pure exhaustion, so I headed back to my hotel to get a few hours of sleep before my flight straight to work.  I had no idea how exhausted I really was, as I would find out later.

Next:   Final Chapter: The Epilogue.